My name is Get Lippie, I am a tea-soaked disaster magnet*, a cack-handed muppet, a recovering parosmic and a Yorkshire Tea Biscuit Brew addict. Recently, I wrote a love letter about Biscuit Brew, then did the unthinkable. I sent it to them. Then they made me cry.
Let me explain: A couple of months ago, Biscuit Brew became impossible to find in shops. I only noticed because I had done the unthinkable and RUN OUT OF TEABAGS. Trying to replenish, and gasping for a cuppa, I tried Ocado, I tried Morrisons, I tried every online store possible, not to mention every physical store I passed, and of Biscuit Brew was there none. Anywhere. It had just disappeared. I eventually bought some Yorkshire Gold as a replacement, but it just wasn’t the same. For a number of reasons, Biscuit Brew is incredibly important in my life (yes, I am aware of how utterly “first world problems” that statement looks, btw), and I’ll get to those shortly.
With my usual innate grace and decorum in all things, I panicked. Okay, I ran around like a headless chicken. And a caffeine-deprived headless chicken at that. I spent an absolute fortune buying six boxes from Amazon, and spent hours complaining at the unfairness of capitalism. OBVIOUSLY the tea wasn’t selling. OBVIOUSLY Yorkshire Tea weren’t making enough money from it when it was. OBVIOUSLY they had got rid of it just to spite me.
So, I decided to give Yorkshire Tea a piece of my mind. How DARE they split me and my favourite tea up? HOW VERY DARE THEY? Long-time readers might be familiar with my angry posts, dripping with sarcasm, righteousness and occasional bad language. I was pumped up and ready for them. I sat down at the keyboard, and I typed, and I typed and I typed. Then, as you’re always supposed to do before you fire off an email in anger, I re-read it.
And it wasn’t angry at all. I explained how, after having lost my sense of smell in 2015, no bite of food or sip of drink has ever been the same since. I went into detail talking about how anosmia had changed my life, how parosmia made so many things (including tea) so disgusting that I’d had to avoid them for years. I’d told them about my long, slow recovery, and how, after seeing the release of Biscuit Brew last year and thinking that it was a terrible April Fools joke, I’d ordered a box out of curiosity, not expecting it to be any good.
Then I told them about how I’d sobbed upon drinking the first cup of Biscuit Brew that I made, because it was the first cup of tea I’d drank in four years that tasted like tea. Real tea. Tea how I remember it being, back before my sense of smell was crippled. I’d realised at that first sip that the tea I had been drinking previously, whilst mostly tolerable, had been but a pale imitation of themselves for me. Truth be told, I’d found myself having to double up, even occasionally treble up, on the teabags per mug to get a taste of anything, regardless of brand.
And then I got onto biscuits. My most favouritest biscuit in the whole world of biscuits is a rich tea biscuit. To me, it’s kind of the platonic ideal of biscuits. Yeah, I wouldn’t sit and scarf an entire packet in front of the telly of an evening, but when I’m craving a biscuit and a nice cup of tea, rich tea is where I head. Biscuit Brew tastes (to me) exactly like a freshly dunked rich tea. It is a real black tea that has a maltiness to it that just makes it really satisfying to drink, and it’s not at all like a “novelty” tea, either. And it is a million times better than any herbal tea, I can tell you that for sure.
For me to be able to taste both the tea and the biscuit in the mug (and from one teabag, to boot) was a miracle, so, whilst I still feel like I was being a complete numpty for weeping over a cup of tea, it truly was the best cup of tea I’d ever had in my life. From that day last May, to this, I haven’t drunk any other type of tea.
So anyway, my angry diatribe had kind of got away from me, and I’d basically ended up sending a begging letter to a manufacturer asking them not to discontinue a product because one tiny perfume blogger hadn’t had a decent cup of tea in years. I sent it to them anyway. That’ll learn ’em!
THEN, completely accidentally, I discovered that it wasn’t being discontinued at all. They’d just had some distribution issues. Suddenly, the £50 or so that I’d spent on 240 bags felt like pure stupidity, and I spent weeks kicking myself that I’d prostrated myself to a brand over teabags. I mean, really! Get a grip, Lippie! (mental note; next blog name: Get Grippy)
Then this morning a box arrived containing 1100 bags of Biscuit Brew complete with a handwritten note from the creator of the tea, Kate Halloran, that once again made me cry over some teabags. Basically, Kate is essentially my hero, and if the Yorkshire tea team ever decide they want to adopt me, I’m open to offers. Yorkshire tea peeps, you’re the best, I’d raise my mug to you, but it’s after 3pm now, is there any chance of a decaff version?